People in the "dating stage" don't usually think much about "control issues" with their new mate because they are "in heat" and more concerned with making this person happy so they won't leave.

For many married people, years go by and there may be no issues about being controlled, until the impending divorce. Then, the therapist or the close friend decides they were controlled and they embrace this reason as the cause of all the tumult in their lives. I suppose it also helps one get a better divorce settlement if they can convince some family court judge that they were a victim who had been controlled throughout their marriage.

Since you are now dating and should plan ahead as to whether or not this mate is a controller, we shall explore some of the issues that will not come up until you are married again and realize this person wasn’t the perfect match you thought they were while you were in heat.

Let’s look at the couple who is not in heat, and is, rather, on the threshold of divorce, and trying to reconcile with the help of a therapist.

Most therapists will tell couples in treatment that compromise is needed for any relationship to work. This subject tends to come up in therapy when one partner complains that the other is a controller.

Now let's move on to how all this applies to Internet dating, dating relationships and sex.

When people date, they seem to think of all the shallow things first, like "chemistry" and material things, like the car they drive and the house where they live, instead of issues like the personal traits and character of the individual. Not that the "shallow" interests have no place in relationships. You most certainly do need chemistry, and if you ignore the material, you could end up having a blissful relationship in a trailer park that ends up on an episode of Jerry Springer. Not what you're looking for? I didn't think so.

This stuff is easy to understand, so pay close attention. These concepts noted below are going to provide you with the essence of happiness, but they are the most often ignored, neglected or misunderstood aspects of relationships.

What is a controller? It’s the one who wins most decisions in a relationship. For you see, everyone wants to do things their way. Most people think they are right and want to do what they want to do. That’s only normal. After all, who thinks what they want to do is stupid or not good? Only a schizophrenic with dual personalities has a fight with himself over what to do each day.

So while everyone has desires and needs and things they want to do, if those needs, wants and desires are not the same as your mate, there is conflict resulting in “the controller” winning and getting their way. If they tend to get their way all or most of the time, the other person (the controlee) feels discounted and without a voice (another psychobabble concern).

The therapist remedies this imbalance of differences by suggesting compromise like this:

"Try for fifty-fifty, where each of you wins half of the time."

While this is, by definition, the ultimate nice way to compromise, it inherently means that each person in this relationship will be frustrated and do things they don’t want to do half of the time they disagree with their partner.

What does this tell you? It says life in a relationship can really "suck" if you have to compromise and thereby be frustrated doing things you don’t want to do half of your life. That alone can make staying single pretty inviting.

You don’t have to have a life filled with compromise and frustration  if you do just one simple thing. Actually there are two simple things you can do.

First, find yourself someone with whom you are very compatible. This means if you are not "a dog person," don’t hitch up to a dog person. If you are a "night owl," find a night owl. You get the point so I don’t have to do two hundred of these little examples. If you aren’t sure, enter a post on the blog and tell us your concern.

In this way, you live with someone with whom you are highly compatible, and there is less chance either of you will have to compromise.

The other "simple thing" is not so simple: try to find someone who not only wants, but needs to be controlled. What could make for a happier life than to live with someone who loves to do everything you want to do. You may think this is all absurd, but it is not. Just ask a few people you know who live with control issues.

I know what you're thinking: opposites attract. And yes, they do. Are they happy? I don't really know, but whoever gave us that quotation had an obligation to let us know the statistics for divorce of all those "opposites" compared to those who pick a compatible mate.

Compatibility is the real secret to successful relationships! Meet someone who likes everything you like, and you have a fighting, or shall we say peaceful chance at a good relationship. It is not compromise that makes a great relationship as much as it is finding your compatible soul-mate! Because finding Mr. or Ms. Compatico is very difficult ,and because you may never agree on everything, you do need to learn compromising skills.