Cognitive dissonance can be simply defined as a state in which the mind is confused. It actually goes deeper than that, but at this stage in your life you need “simple” because your mind is confused. So let confused define it for us.

While on a coffee date, I realized that my eyes drifted toward every attractive woman who happened by. Knowing this is rude behavior, I made a very concerted effort to stop the gazing and completely avoid gawking over these unusually attractive women.

There seems to be a rule of love and dating that states there are no attractive mates around when you are alone and looking for one, and conversely when you are on a date, there are many, many beautiful people who will gravitate to where you happen to be, no matter where in the universe. Furthermore, the number and beauty of these godly creatures is inversely proportional to the looks of the person you are with at that moment. That means the uglier the person you are sitting with, the more incredible looking are those strolling by.

This doesn’t always happen, but I believe many of you know there is some truth to this observation. The last time it happened to me, I was with an attractive woman in her late fifties. She was very young looking and only my keen observational skills lead me to see through the Gestalt of youthful appearance. I had just turned 60 and was lucky that I had such a hot date in such good shape. Why then was I staring at, and longing for those women who are entirely too young for me.

While this may sound trite and egotistical, it is something many of you will experience and hide under the table to avoid the cognitive dissonance it produces. For those of you who don’t suppress this ego oriented issue, you have to deal with it.

It is kind of simple to explain. I don’t care how old you are, your taste for fine things doesn’t decline as you age. I don’t know of many elderly people who suddenly develop a taste for Thunderbird wine, cheap costume jewelry, and black velvet pictures to hang in the living room as a replacement for their Van Gogh and other masters.

This doesn’t make you a bad person. It means you are a real person. And when it comes to admiring the aesthetics of the opposite sex you will be no different.

Wanting and getting is where the problem arises. I can want that young gorgeous thing, but the reality of me getting her and having a good life is rather slight, unless I die on my honeymoon while in the saddle. No young gorgeous thing wants an old worn out thing, unless one basic necessity is met and that is money.

I can have an intimate sexual encounter with a Victoria Secret like model any time I want, as long as I am willing to pay for it. Women, too can find gigolos to service them if they so desire, but that isn’t the meaning of life.

Why would I want a wild time in bed with no attachment, no obligation, limited financial risk with a woman whose job is to tell me how great I am when I can have the intimacy of a woman willing to have sex with me on an infrequent schedule when it won’t interfere with her physical state that could be strained by headache, hormonal imbalance, her day at the spa, during the possibility of messing up her hair and makeup, and even if all the planets are aligned, I will still chance having a dose of badgering for one complaint or another before, during or after my orgasm.

Now I think you have a more perfect understanding of cognitive dissonance, and it is real. If you just came off a bad marriage or romance, and let’s face it, unless you lost your perfect mate to death, your state of mind is not good. You have many questions about whether or not you ever want to get married again.

Do you really want commitment when that term sounds very much like you are getting committed, and we all know what that means. Is solitude all that bad? Does the essence of a relationship predict a natural decline as part of normal human behavior?

I see so many miserable couples out there in the restaurants, at the mall, everywhere. The ones in love are usually the kids who have not had the time to see their relationships fester, or the newly formed relationships when everyone is on their best behavior. I see it with dating. When the relationship is new there is an unprecedented desire to be together and treat each other with love and passion.

Can passion last? Thinkers from every endeavor of study know what the honeymoon phase is all about. It is real, and it doesn't last. Should you just date many people and thereby have little chance to burn out the relationship?

I know that when I am in a romantic relationship and don’t get to see the person every day, the love making is grand and the respect and treatment of each other borders on wonderful. Just talking on the phone can be a turn on during the romantic phase of a relationship.

When you see your love interest every day, do you take each other for granted? I think it is too easy to say yes. Sure there are those whose relationships last forever, but sadly, I really don’t think that’s the norm.

As you date, be realistic about who you can get and how the relationship should realistically mature. If you have a lot of money, you may easily get a person out of your league of cool, and as soon as the money is gone or they decide to move on for more money, you get dumped. That really isn’t a great relationship for most, but if it makes you happy go for it.

A good long lasting relationship takes a great deal of work grounded in communication, understanding, compassion and compromise. Getting counseling in these areas may be something you should consider.

Do you settle? Good question. If you are waiting for Mr. or Miss. Right, the one who fulfills your every want and need, you may be waiting forever. You may pass by some very good mates for the one that is elusive. On the other hand, if you are fussy and lucky, you may get that almost perfect person to spend the rest of your life with until death, demonic possession or divorce do you part.

I noticed that when looking at all the photos on internet dating sites, chemistry is a very real and alive phenomenon for me. Maybe it’s just me, but I doubt it. I think everyone can look at a little picture and immediately know if there is an attraction.

I’m not suggesting that looks are the whole thing about iDating, because they are most certainly not. However, why waste your time on calls and dates with people you don’t feel that chemistry with when you look at the picture?

Recognize that if you are really fussy, you may never find the right person especially if you look like a toad and are requesting dates from the best of the best. But go for it and try to get the best you can.

I felt sorry for one woman who emailed me on a dating site and asked rhetorically, why no one responds to her letters. She was a doctor and had great credentials, but she wasn’t terribly attractive. Not ugly, mind you, but not that great. I could see why she may not be getting a ton of hits.

Then there are those who are so “hot” that they get hit on all the time. There is a rule of love: if you try too hard it’s usually a turn off for the other person, especially when they know they are hot.

I’ve had some amazing ego building letters sent to me, and I can immediately tell that these people have problems with their vision, because I just wish I was as hot as some of them have written. Things like, “you are the most attractive guy on this entire site” have given me wonderful ego lifts, but then I became overwhelmed with guilt that brought me to my knees for having posted Brad Pitt’s photo in place of my own. Who knew they wouldn't’t know it was Brad’s picture.

The best thing to do is to try to maintain some level of realism. Know your league and stick to it. If you want to reach for brass rings, expect disappointment, and realize you may never find any one. But, who knows? You may just get lucky!