Crabs

I know just what you're thinking. This is a post all about taking a date for Joe's Stone Crabs in Miami Beach. Well... you're wrong!

Crabs are small wingless (thank G-d) insects also known as pubic lice. That is not a misprint – pubic lice – there is no such thing as public lice. Both men and women can get crabs from sexual contact so I guess, in a way, they are public lice.

You can also get crabs from contaminated clothing or bedding as well at some really good seafood restaurants (like Joe's in Miami Beach - stay out of the bathroom).

The main symptom is itching of the groin and it usually appears within five days of contamination. Once you start with the itching, you may want to take action, otherwise you could scratch away your penis and turn into a woman; performing the world's cheapest sex change operation on yourself.

You may notice what looks like whitish-gray or rust colored flakes of skin, and if you look close or use a magnifying glass you will see that these are little crab-like creatures. White and gray dots attached to the pubic hair are the louse eggs.

Treatment involves using medicated shampoo or creams that kill the insects. You can get them without prescription (thank God). If you aren’t sure what you got, see your doctor. Just don’t turn red when he tells you what you got. You may even break the tension in the room by saying something witty like, "Oh... I thought they were lobsters."

You must wash all bedding and clothing to prevent reoccurrence.

Though easily cured, crabs are probably the most embarrassing STD. After all, bugs in your groin sounds disgusting and unhygienic.

You don’t need to discuss crabs with your friends.

If someone does find out that you have crabs because of a HIPPA violation, or because your friend who you shouldn’t have told, told everyone, remember you can get crabs non-sexually from dirty bedding.

That actually sounds worse than getting it from some illicit affair with a hot life guard.

Like I said, you don’t need to tell your friends about this one. More on sexually transmitted diseases in our next post. You can't wait, can you!